


The Absence Of Hope.

by Why_do_you_want_to_know



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, And That's Canon!!!, Castiel Has Feelings for Dean Winchester, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Coda, Dean Is Just Being Sad For This Entire Fic, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Despair, Despair Coda, Hopeful Ending, I know there is already 900 of these, I'm Sorry, Jack is a good kid, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Sad Dean Winchester, Season 15 episode 18 coda, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, So here we are, What a beautiful time to be alive!, anyway..., but i have FEELINGS, ooof tagging, optimistic Jack Klein
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:41:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27436783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Why_do_you_want_to_know/pseuds/Why_do_you_want_to_know
Summary: 15x18 Coda. !!!!SPOILERS!!!!Despair - The complete loss or absence of hope.*~*Dean didn't move.His phone rang and his watch ticked and the sticky blood on the shoulder of his jacket dried, and he just sat there, tears that he didn't even bother wiping away sliding off his cheeks, and Cas' words echoing through his head again and again."Happiness isn't in the having, it is in just being, just saying it.""You changed me Dean.""Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack."The outer door clanged and the loud noise managed to echo all the way through the bunker to the dungeon, the sound of large feet on the steps and a low murmuring of voices followed it. He didn't react. What was he going to say? How was he going to tell the others that Cas was- Cas was- Cas wasn't around anymore, especially when Dean himself could scarcely believe it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 19
Kudos: 209





	The Absence Of Hope.

**Author's Note:**

> I have so many feelings about that episode okay. 
> 
> I just had to write this, I haven't beta'd it, I don't know how good/bad it is, but I enjoyed writing, and if anyone has chosen this coda out of the millions of others then thank you!! I hope you enjoy!!!

Dean didn't move.

His phone rang and his watch ticked and the sticky blood on the shoulder of his jacket dried, and he just sat there, tears that he didn't even bother wiping away sliding off his cheeks, and Cas' words echoing through his head again and again.

_ "Happiness isn't in the having, it is in just being, just saying it." _

_ "You changed me Dean." _

_ "Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack." _

The outer door clanged and the loud noise managed to echo all the way through the bunker to the dungeon, the sound of large feet on the steps and a low murmuring of voices followed it. He didn't react. What was he going to say? How was he going to tell the others that Cas was- Cas was- Cas wasn't around anymore, especially when Dean himself could scarcely believe it.

_ "You fought for this whole world, for love, that is who you are!" _

_ "You're the most caring man on earth, the most selfless loving human being I will ever know." _

He didn't know how long it had been since Billy was defeated, didn't know how long he'd been sitting still, but any discomfort in his body was nothing compared to the stabbing in his heart, and it couldn't have been that long anyway. Not when Cas' words felt like they'd just been said. Not when the panic in his chest was still there as though his body thought he could still stop Cas from sacrificing himself again if he tried hard enough. 

Not when he was still in shock. His brain hadn't even managed to process the fact Billy had been that desperate to kill him, never mind everything that Cas had said.

It was too much.

How could Cas- how could Cas care about him when he wasn't worth caring about. How could he make Cas happy enough to complete his deal, when Dean hadn't made anyone happy in his life? He'd never been good enough for John, or Sam, he'd been downright rude to Jack, his life basically killed everyone else he knew. The only person he got even close to making happy was Lisa, and even she couldn't be fully happy for as long as Dean was there.

And yet telling Dean that he loved him, made Cas happy.

_ "The one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have." _

It was Dean. But how was it Dean? How could it be Dean?

"Dean!" Sam's voice echoed through the bunker, reminding Dean that he would have to move soon, that their friends were still dying and they still needed to stop Chuck, even if the very thought of leaving this spot felt like a knife to his heart.

Maybe if he stayed here, it wouldn't be real. Moving would make it real. Moving would make Cas be gone. Moving would mean that Cas had sacrificed himself, and he'd used his feelings for Dean to do it.

That made it Dean's fault.

He opened his mouth, about to call something back, maybe finally stand up, but then Sam continued.

"Cas!"

Because they didn't know Cas was gone. They thought he was still there. Like he should be. Like he would be if Dean hadn't walked them straight into this trap. Like he would be if Dean hadn't been- no. He couldn't do that. He couldn't blame Castiel's feelings for this. Out of the entire thing, Cas' feelings were pure, more pure than Dean was anyway. He would not stain Cas' memory by blaming the one thing that made him Cas - the one thing which made him human enough to not be a dick - for his death.

Dean could hear footsteps echoing through the hallway, each one louder than then last.

"Dean? Cas? Are you guys here?"

An almost inaudible laugh escaped Dean, his throat raw from crying. Dean was still here, Dean was still around. 

Cas wasn't though. 

Cas was gone. And Dean still didn't know what to do about it. He was in shock, how could Cas actually like him? How could this actually be reality.

Dean still hadn't moved.

Tears still dripped down his nose.

Sam was still calling out their names.

Footsteps - too quiet to be Sam's - were still getting closer.

Cas was still gone.

He hadn't said it back.

Cas had poured his heart out, and Dean had just stood there in shock, unable to process what was going on, his brain stuck on the fact Billy was trying to kill them and Cas was summoning the empty, instead of what Cas' words truly meant.

He'd understood that it meant Cas liked him, but only now, however much longer later, was his brain starting to process it.

Cas loved him. And now he was gone.

And Dean would never have the chance to say it back.

"Dean? Is everything okay?" It was Jack, because of course it was, his eyes darker than his three years should have allowed them to be. The kid had been through a lot, and now Dean had even more to add to that pile.

"Dean?"

Dean still didn't reply, just blinked the tears from his eyes and tried to remember how to move his body. Tried to remember how to exist without Cas there.

He'd done it before. He'd just barely managed to hold it all together when Cas died, just as Jack was born.

This was different though, and Dean wasn't sure he could do it again.

"Dean you're scaring me." Jack's voice certainly sounded scared, as well as that strange emotionlessness that it had taken on ever since he'd exploded and come back again. Cas would have known how to help him. Cas was always a great father to Jack.

Another couple of tears slipped down Dean's face.

"This isn't good," Jack was speaking more to himself now, glancing round the room as though he might be able to find a clue of what happened. Dean saw the moment he noticed the symbol of blood on the door, saw his eyes widen as he realised what he'd already known. Something bad had happened here, something big, and- Java eyes were glued to the bloody handprint on Dean's shoulder. He was too young to understand what it really meant, but that didn't stop him from picking up on the fact it was blood, and the fact that Dean wasn't bleeding.

"SAM," Jack yelled, and his voice sounded so much like Cas', his look of panic looked so much like Cas', it just made the pain in Dean's chest squeeze even harder. Cas was gone, Cas loved him, and Dean hadn't said it back.

"CAS!" And Jack still didn't realise Cas was gone. He must have suspected it, but he didn't believe it, just like Dean still couldn't, and he'd watched it happen.

"Jack is something-" Sam skidded into the room, his words cutting off when he saw Dean. He was still leaning against the wall, he wasn't sure he could move anymore.

"Dean?" Dean still didn't answer.

_ "I love you."  _

Cas loved him.

_ "Goodbye Dean." _

Cas was gone.

Sam's eyes flickered round the room, just like Jack's had. Noticing the bloody door and the bloody handprint and the haunted look in Dean's eyes. Sam knew the handprint, had seen it before when he had been burnt into Dean's arm, and saw it now as a bloody mark.

"Where is Cas?" Sam asked, and it was like a damn was broken in Dean's chest, expressionless words posting out one after another as tears slipped down his face - and what happened to a single man tear? This was more than a single. A couple of hundred more than a single - and his chest burned.

"He's gone. Billy was dying, I walked us straight into a trap, all she wanted to do was kill me," he had to break off for a moment to breathe, his eyes glued to the floor so that he didn't have to see what Sam and Jack were thinking, "we hid in here, but she was going to get through, so Cas summoned the Empty."

"The Empty?" Sam replied in confusion when Dean just stopped, "how did he do that?"

"His deal," Jack's eyes widened as he realised what must have happened, "how did he manage to do that in here?"

Sam turned to face Jack, clear confusion on his face. So apparently Sam didn't know about the deal either, even if Jack did.

"He said he loved me," Dean's voice broke, "said happiness wasn't in the having, it was in just being, just saying it. It took him. The Empty took him and Billy." 

The room was silent, all of them trying to process the loss, all of them trying to find the strength to move on.

"I didn't say it back." Dean's voice wasn't much more than a whisper this time.

"Did you want to?" Jack asked gently.

Dean stayed quiet for a long moment. Did he want to? Did he want to tell Castiel that he loved him, he always had?

"Yes."

"Then we will get him back," Jack sounded so certain, like there was no doubt they would manage it. "And then you can tell him how you really feel."

"Of course we will get him back," Sam agreed, "we've done it before, we will do it again."

Dean nodded, unable to find the same optimism as the rest of his family, but willing to try anything to get Castiel back.

He needed to tell Cas how he really felt. Needed to tell Cas…

Needed to tell Cas that he loved him too.

"Come on Dean," Jack said, holding out his hand, his eyes just slightly flickering gold, "let's get up. We have an entire world and an angel to save."

Dean accepted the hand, as well as one of Sam's, letting them pull him to his feet. He was shaky, and felt like he should probably be ashamed for acting this week in front of his family, but maybe it didn't matter.

Maybe all that mattered was getting his angel back.

That wasn’t goodbye. Not if Dean could help it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!!
> 
> NI just want to scream about this episode, so if you don't care, carry on, kudos and comments mean the world to me!! But if you do care, here are my thoughts:
> 
> I actually loved it. Just thinking about Cas' confession is making me want to cry. I know what some people have been saying about Dean's reactions, and I kind of understand, but I don't think it was homophobic, I just think Dean was shocked, and also that was the most in character reaction there could be. He was crying, Cas was sacrificing himself, literal Death was pounding on the door, there was a lot for him to take in. We will see what happens next episode, I might scream if they just brush over it and move on, but all we can do is hope I guess. It's Dean's move, and all we can hope is for more angst and a happy resurrection.


End file.
